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Drinks In Games: The Perfect Pint

Welcome to the third and final instalment of Drinks in Games! We’ve gone on a virtual bar crawl, we’ve trekked through the most beautiful drinking locations in games but now it’s time to look at the drinks themselves. Which game has the perfect pint? The best beverage? Grab your glasses and allow me to take you through some of my personal favourites…

Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

Chateau Romani

Starting off the list with milk may seem like a weird choice but let me explain. Chateau Romani is the beverage of choice in Majora’s Mask. It’s sold in various Milk Bars across the region, which is something I would like to see more of in real life. However, some gentrified areas refer to the beverage as ‘Milk of the Night’ and charge 200 rupees for a bottle, a steep price for some cow juice. They also refuse to serve it to children, which makes me wonder – what is in the mysterious milk?

Upon consuming Chateau Romani you’ll feel energised within an inch of your life. Your magic meter rejuvenates and you’ll burst at the seams with unlimited power for THREE DAYS. I’m glad they don’t give this to children. It’s clearly not normal milk, this milk has been tainted. Suddenly the 200 rupee price tag doesn’t seem so extortionate considering you’ve got a bottle of LSDairy in your bag. This drink puts the ‘moo’ in ‘moonshine’ and I want a pint of it.

Tapper

Thirst Person Action

Onto a much more conventional entry here, a classic if you will. Tapper was a game you could find in the majority of arcades across America in the early 80s. The task sounds simple enough – you’re a lone barman and you have to serve frosty Budvars to your thirsty patrons. However, the game reflects bars in real life and hundreds of people will try to get a drink at the same time leaving the poor bar staff overwhelmed.

Like most people who have seen any western film, I have a weird desire to be served a cold beer slid down the bar into my clutch. However, I can’t help but acknowledge the most satisfying part of playing Tapper, when you finish your busy day and pour yourself as many beers as you like. Imagine the taste of that first pint after you’ve finished a day of serving them. Bliss.

Extra fact, Budweiser had to change the drink served in Tapper from their classic Budvar to a rather ambiguous ‘Root Beer’ due to various complaints about the game encouraging dangerous levels of alcohol consumption and subconsciously pushing drinking on the public. Which I think is a load of Budvar.

Fortnite

Bottle Royale

Slurp Juice is a consumable item in a little indie game called Fortnite that you might have heard of. A bright blue liquid found in bushes, treasure chests, vending machines and of course llamas. Like most drinks in games, Slurp Juice will rejuvenate some of your precious health points – there’s nothing too extreme about the effects of this beverage. So why does Slurp Juice make it on the list? Because of sheer audacity to call a drink ‘Slurp Juice’.

Nobody knows what the drink tastes like or what consistency it has, it’s just a jar of ominous goop that will save your life. I wanted to find out more about the lore behind Slurp Juice so I messaged Fortnite expert Ben Walker (@bnwkr) for some insight. He revealed that the drink is made by Slup.Co, a huge conglomerate that has cornered the beverage market in Fortnite. They make a number of mysterious Slurp based products and their factory is located in the Slurp Swamp which makes me question the contents of the drink even more. Ben confirmed that though no taste notes are listed in the game, Slurp Juice was actually served to players at the Fortnite World Cup and it was a raspberry flavoured slushie.

I haven’t had a slushie since the days of those giant Tango Ice Blasts you’d get for £248824 at the cinema so I’m game to try Slurp Juice. Though I’m worried I’ll get addicted to the bright bev and become ‘Big Chuggus’, an in-game character that resembles Bane with a Slurp addiction. It also sounds like what Elon Musk might call the Tesla Truck.

Oblivion

Shadowbanish Wine

Sounding like a beverage that you’d consume before being blocked on Twitter, ‘Shadowbanish Wine’ is a rare brand of booze found in the Cyrodiil province of Tamriel. This wine was created by an alcoholic alchemist, an alchomist if you will. Made as a gift for the Legion soldiers, the drink allows them to see in the dark which must help enormous amounts in a world before the invention of electricity. 

There is a very finite amount of bottles but some can be found in the occasional chest every now and then. Collectors will offer you a pretty penny if you bring them a six pack but after a long day traveling across the region to retrieve the sacred booze I think you should enjoy it yourself. Thanks to the drink’s weird ability, you’ll be able to stumble out of a tavern in complete darkness and still find your way home. You could even stop for a khajiit kebab on the way.

Once again I didn’t want to be the only contributor to this boozy adventure, so I took to Twitter to ask other virtual drinkers

Fallout

Nuka Cola

Suggested by @xLeninaCrowne

The thing that I find funniest about Nuka-Cola is the fact that the Nuka-Cola Corporation named their whole business and product line around nukes just a few years before the entire world erupted into nuclear warfare. What are the chances of that? Someone in the marketing department is due a promotion if they weren’t disintegrated by the radiation.

Before the Great War, Nuka-Cola was the beverage of choice across America. Much like the large conglomerate the drink is parodying, Nuka-Cola targeted children with their marketing and pumped their drinks full of sugar. A recipe for success. Alternative flavours started to appear left and right, from a refreshing cherry version to the intimidating Nuka-Cola Quantum. A bottle that glows bright blue, doubling down on the caffeine and calorie contents. If that sounds too sweet for your blood then have no fear, there’s a Diet Nuka-Cola for you waist watchers out there.

If you are coming across these bottles post-war then they may not taste as good given the radiation and dirt everywhere but you can’t put a price on the taste of pre-nuclear nostalgia. Actually, you can, the bottle caps from Nuka-Cola have become the currency of this dystopia. I would head straight to the shutdown factories and start filling my pockets with any leftovers, taking the time to use their mixing machine to knock up some of the Nuka-Cocktails. A few Nuka-Bombs will take my mind off the wasteland situation.

My Summer Car

Kännikala

Suggested by @king_hernan

My Summer Car is the driving simsation that’s taken over Twitch. People drive endlessly through poorly rendered backdrops, only stopping for food and drink. That’s where my interest lies, it has been brought to my attention that there’s an ale in the game people can enjoy on their break from driving. Simply listed as ‘booze’ in the game, I had to find a clear image and zoom into the label to find the brand name. ‘Kännikala’ is a Finnish expression that roughly translates to ‘drunk fish’ – exactly what you’ll feel like after four bottles. 

Much like alcohol in real life, this drink will reduce your stress levels drastically whilst also playing havoc on your bladder. Are you wanting something a bit harder? The game has you covered. There’s another alcoholic beverage called ‘Spirit’ or ‘Bereznik Spirytus’ when zooming in on the label. This drink can only be found in your friend’s bathroom which should start the alarm bells ringing, it’s an imported spirit from Poland that’s 96% proof which breaks all alcohol laws in Finland. Consuming this paint stripper will net you an achievement for blacking out called ‘Methanol Man’ which could be my new wrestling name.

PS: Don’t drink and drive.

VA-11 Hall-A

Suggested by @WriterBlades

When it comes to writing these drink lists, this game is suggested time and time over. I even delayed writing this article so I could go away and play VA-11 Hall-A and I’m so glad I did. The game is incredible, you are a cyberpunk bartender in the year 207X and your job is to serve the patrons of your intergalactic dive bar. The creators describe the game as a “booze ’em up” and that’s spot on – you can create a large range of cocktails from just five ingredients.

Looking down the extensive menu we can find such gems as the Brandtini, a classy and clean number for the upper echelons of space society. Not quite my bag though, my interests lay a little more in the ‘Fringe Weaver’, the strongest drink on the menu. Described as ‘ethylic alcohol with a spoonful of sugar’ I want to take one sip of this cocktail and attend some form of space disco. You are welcome to join.

A feature of VA-11 Hall-A that I love is the fact you don’t always need to pour someone a drink to fix their problems. You can simply sit and talk to customers for a while and sometimes that’s all you need to get through something. You don’t always have to turn to the bottle, whilst it has been fun looking through drinking culture in gaming please don’t forget alcoholism is a real issue. Look after yourself out there, I’m off to go put more hours into this great game.

Last Call

We have sadly reached the end of our journey, which drinks did I leave out? Please feel free to tell me on Twitter (@panoparker)!

Writing Drinks in Games has been a lovely distraction from all the awful news lately, so thanks to Loading Bar for letting me rant on about booze. Please check out the rest of the series and let me know what you think! 

I hope you all stay safe and hopefully, some normality will return soon. We’ll be back in real pubs talking about our favourite games before you know it. The first pint is on me. 

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Drinks In Games: Views for Tinnies

I’d like to start off by thanking any of you lovely locals that joined me on a virtual bar crawl. I want to carry on our celebration of drinks in games with another favourite hobby of mine: sitting in a field with a bag of cans and taking in the scenery. It’s a right of passage during summer to head to a nearby park and knock back a few lagers with your friends. Unfortunately, there’s a global pandemic on and people are having to cut down on the pilsner picnics this year.

Allow me to fill that void once again, grab your bag of cans and come with me as we galavant across luscious locations in games. From barren deserts to coastal caverns, these are environments you’d enjoy whilst cracking open a cold one…

Ghost of Tsushima

A Stroll with Sake

Having just played through this gem it’s safe to say I’m a big fan. I was very close to putting Sekiro on this list, both games have an incredible usage of sake and interesting characters to share a drink with. When it comes to the locations, however, I think Ghost has the advantage. In Ghost, you go steel to steel in intense stand-offs underneath waterfalls and in golden fields of flowers. In Sekiro you fight giant apes that fling excrement at you.

Ghost has a photo mode so incredibly detailed it could put Roger Deakins out of a job. That’s important because the world you find yourself in deserves something better than disposable Kodak. When it comes to picking a drinking location I actually thought about the story of the game. I was thinking about some of the beautiful shrines that take you to all corners of the map by scaling treacherous terrain. Worthy spots to quench your thirst but drinking in this game should be reserved for something special.

Sake is a traditional Japanese drink that is made from rice wine, originally served after a victorious battle. Nowadays, it’s mostly enjoyed after large meals and successful business meetings. My suggestion is that Jin Sakai, the Ghost, should travel with a gourd full of sake ready to commemorate any ‘business’ he takes care of with his katana. It goes without saying that Buckfast is the perfect tinnie* for these occasions, nothing says traditional Japanese rice wine like Buckfast. After duels, big battles and reclaiming villages throughout the isle of Tsushima – Buckfast. 

A few generous swigs then back on your loyal horse, riding off into the sunset before another day of fighting two equally terrifying threats: a Mogalian empire and a rough hangover.

*NB: Buckfast counts as a ‘tinnie’ – anything you can buy from an off-license is available for grabs on this trek. Also, Buckfast once released a tinned variety in Dublin so suck on that sack of wet eggs.

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Hyrule Heights

Breath of the Wild is absolutely stunning, I don’t need to tell you that because every reviewer worldwide did the job three years ago. There are so many awe-inspiring areas dotted around Hyrule that I struggled to narrow it down to one entry. You’ve got the fields, the rocky peaks of Eldin valley, the majestically named Tabantha Tundra and even Gerudo Town where you get a side quest to make the perfect pint. All great suggestions but then it quite literally dawned on me…

The hill from the opening. Imagine you’ve just woken up after a 100-year nap, you step outside your cosy little cave and see the sun rising over the kingdom of Hyrule. Pass me the elven equivalent of a Guinness and let’s start the day correctly. If you can ignore the ever-looming threat of Ganon and his darkness surrounding the castle, the view is absolutely breathtaking. Forget the fact a whole kingdom’s fate rests on your shoulders and get a little buzz on – you’ve been asleep for 100 years, a few more hours won’t hurt anyone.

Death Stranding

Monsters With The Boys

Similar to Breath of the Wild, Death Stranding puts the player in the shoes of a lonesome protagonist tasked with a duty well above their pay grade. Sam rambles around the huge map delivering a number of packages to clients all over, he’s a glorified Royal Mail employee that deserves a break. Given the size of the cargo Sam carries on his back, he’s working up a sweat out there and what better way is there to rejuvenate those valuable electrolytes? 

MONSTER SPONSORED ENERGY.

This product is firmly placed within Kojima’s post-apocalyptic Mars-like environment, the righteous symbol of American culture will live on where other brands fall and wither. After a long journey across the landscape, Sam could climb to the nearest mountain top and take it all in for once – this time his only luggage is a four-pack of MONSTER ENERGY and a bottle of Glen’s Vodka (other forms of paint stripper are available). On the surface, Sam just appears to be a MONSTER ENERGY influencer that’s loyal to the brand, when in reality he’s mixing vodka into the tins and getting battered.

You’ve seen how he can stumble all over the place and now you know why. Sam Bridges is constantly half-cut and developing an addiction to MONSTER ENERGY. The giveaway being whenever he urinates it creates a small mushroom on the floor, slightly alarming from a health perspective but could possibly get him into The Avengers.

BioShock Infinite

Cloudy Beer

I thought about going under the sea for the Bioshock mention in this list but you can’t really enjoy the scenery down there without getting seawater in your drink and subliminal messages in your head. You are much better off in the ‘haven’ of Columbia. One quick ride on a steampunk silo and you arrive in a city above the clouds.

Take a walk around the place and you’ll see barbershop quartets, zeppelins and a fairground to mosey around whilst you look for a corner shop. The issue with buying booze in Columbia is that the majority of consumable bottled liquids will set the user on fire, electrocute them or give them control over a bloodthirsty murder of crows. However, if I had to choose a drink for a 19th-century sanctuary in the sky then it would probably be something quintessentially light with undertones of industrialism, like Stella.

Have you been to a rooftop bar in London before? They charge you extortionate amounts because they’ve put some seats on a small terrace and chucked a few fairy lights around the gaff. You pay £7+ for a pint and double figures for a cocktail, get your Instagram picture of the view and pretend you’ve had an experience worth telling everyone about. If you were drinking in Columbia you would have the best view in the world without breaking the bank.

Just don’t get too wasted, we wouldn’t want you to stumble through dimensions chasing after a girl and creating a plot that’s an all-round ballache to follow now, would we? 

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Mountain Mead

Though a short stay in a tavern may seem enticing, I would much prefer to awkwardly walk my way up the side of a mountain and embrace what the land of Tamriel has to offer. Before departing you’d need to visit a local shop and barter for your tinnie. By ‘barter’ I mean place a bucket on the shop owner’s head and steal yourself a drink of your choice.

For this entry I thought to myself: what modern beverage could resemble the taste of mead? The answer to that question is a warm can of Boddington’s with a cigarette floating on top. It won’t be nice, but it will be authentic. Picture this, you’re on a mountaintop and you’ve just slain a dragon, whilst gathering up the bones you knock back a Boddy and exhale a dragon shout that reeks of tobacco.

You can look over the local villages like a proud hawk, perch over the edge of a waterfall and take it all in. After a few drinks, you could reach into your seemingly endless backpack and pull out an array of locally sourced meat, bread and crabs. Life as a Dragonborn is a pretty cushty deal.

Nier: Automata

Philosophy Pints

Nier: Automata is an incredible game, well it’s actually more like three incredible games wrapped into one edgy package. If you haven’t played a Nier game before, they entwine great combat with a world that will make you question your own moral compass. In Automata, you initially play as an android created by humans made to destroy machines. It goes without saying, the story can be hard to follow and that’s where the booze comes in…

Everything in this game involves doses of religious and philosophical babble. The ‘antagonists’ are called ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’. The lead character goes by ‘2B’ which sounds like a rapper with a Shakespeare fettish. Even the giant robots that dominate postcodes are called things like ‘Marx’ and ‘Engels’. It’s all a bit much. I would honestly need a few tinnies to get through each day of fighting these mechanical metaphors. 

There’s one location that comes to mind as the perfect place to blow off all that steam you’ve built-up. A theme park! Imagine getting leathered and taking a spin on roller coasters operated by cute singing robots. It’s Disneyland. Cracking open a few Special Brew whilst listening to marching bands, singing songs and balloons. It’s Disneyland. After all that fun you can travel a few miles to an outbound orgy – all robots of course but it’s good to know they get to have fun too.

You’d have to be one of the human settlers in order to go on this fabricated night out I’ve proposed because if you were an android, consuming alcohol and trying to hump your way into the night wouldn’t end well for your circuitry. Would make for one hell of an alternative ending though… 

Once again I didn’t want to be the only contributor to this boozy adventure, so I took to Twitter to ask other virtual drinkers

Bloodborne

Palebloody Mary

Suggested by @PeskySplinter and @hog_mild

Not for the fainthearted this one. Do you like gothic steampunk settings? Do you like dimly lit dungeons and castles that would make Luigi sprint away with his Poltergust between his legs? Do you like the Souls series and often tell people about how much you like the Soul series? Same. Bloodborne is great. 

The views are mind-blowing, Miyazaki’s team somehow turns all the horror into a painting that you can wander through aimlessly. That’s only if you can somehow slay the bloodthirsty creatures that parade the streets in the cover of darkness. Let’s say that you’ve made it to a clearing after cleaving through a few werewolves, you’d want a drink to mark the occasion… 

The local tipple in the surrounding area is blood. Hunters inject it into themselves in order to stay perky. I can’t imagine it’s the nicest thing to drink and there’s always a chance you could end up like Father Gascoigne – a priest who got too addicted to the stuff and became the beast he would once hunt. I think a substitute is due and the closest thing to actual blood must be a Bloody Mary. You can get the tinned variation in certain highstreet retailers and they are pretty good hangover cures when you’re on the go. 

Here in Yarnham, you slay beasts, light lamps and drink a Bloody Mary or two. There’s brunch every other Sunday.

The Witness

Calming Cans

Suggested by @WezArthur

Compared to the rest of the entries on this list, The Witness is a quiet break from all the chaos. Over 300 puzzles await you on a deserted island, nothing but you and a few acres of cryptic conundrums. Wade through the calming waters, galavant around the tree-covered hills, explore the coves. All this whilst solving mysteries – it’s all very therapeutic.

So what drink would you incorporate to complete this Sunday afternoon special? A vodka cranberry of course. I’m sure you have seen this cultural reset but just to be sure, a user posted [this video] to TikTok of him skating down a road whilst drinking Cranberry juice. He’s listening to Fleetwood Mac and clearly doesn’t have a care in the world, that’s the exact vibe I’m trying to recreate here on the island.

My only fear is that I’m probably not smart enough to solve the puzzles, meaning I could never leave the island. What started as a beautiful, relaxing experience has quickly turned into a nightmare Cast Away situation. At least it’s one of the better Tom Hanks films.

Last Call

That’s about it for another Drinks In Games list! In terms of honourable mentions, a few people asked for Minecraft. That makes sense, being able to create your own world to drink in is pretty cool but also endless to write about and I honestly couldn’t be bothered.

Thank you for coming on this lovely stroll with me, I hope you make it back home safe! If you want to talk about booze in games then you can find me on Twitter

Until next time, cheers!

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Drinks In Games: A Virtual Bar Crawl

Sometimes I see a nice sunset in a game and think to myself ‘I would love to have a pint there’ then proceed to lift my cumbersome body and stagger towards the fridge for a cold beer. My in-game counterpart doesn’t have the same anthropomorphic advantage. They remain sober after so many days of saving the world, whilst in reality I’ve got a little buzz on and a takeaway menu dangerously close to me.

Whilst waiting for my food, I thought about all the places in games characters could visit for a refreshing drink. Allow me to take you on a tour of pubs, taverns and bars where NPCs and protagonists can bump elbows and share stories over a frosty one…

Final Fantasy VII

  • Drinks: Draft Beer and Cocktails
  • Food: Party Food
  • Atmosphere: Slightly Militant

This is probably my personal favourite bar in gaming, I’d be considered a local down at the Seventh Heaven. Playing the original as a child and the recent remake, I’ve accumulated many hours drinking and playing darts in this honourable establishment. Tifa owns and operates this bar whilst assisting an undercover group of militants, there’s never a quiet night.

There are a number of vibrant cocktails on offer, from the Cosmo Canyon to the Lifestream. There’s a jukebox in the corner that plays Certified Bangers and a dartboard to spark up some local competition. In terms of mini-games, Square Enix need to put less effort into the squats and more into the darts. I want to feel like van Gerwen when I nine-dart Wedge and leave him regretting the day he ever challenged a man with too much time on his hands.

Once you’ve worked up an appetite playing darts, Tifa can knock you up a wide range of grub which the citizens of the slums deem ‘very good’ – that’s the equivalent of a Michelin star around here. The final feature of the bar is a retro pinball machine, however if you attempt to play the machine you may be lowered into the basement of the bar and initiated into a group of freedom fighters. They really need to put up a sign.

Streets of Rage 2

  • Drinks: Bottled Beer (viable weapon for the proceeding scrap)
  • Food: Apples and Chicken
  • Atmosphere: Lively Locals

Say what you like about the atmosphere on these streets but you leave Barbon’s bar out of it. This lovely little speakeasy is a welcome break from the city hustle, the bartender makes a mean old fashioned and the grand piano suggest they have occasional music nights – this place exudes class. 

If any riff-raff become lively and start causing trouble in the establishment then I’ve heard the local police officers are quick to resolve things, though the owner does make a habit of dealing with trouble himself. This would leave an NPC free to join in the action if they so wished to, for the price of a few beers you can leave this fine boozer feeling like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse.

The Sims 

  • Drinks: ‘Juice’
  • Food: Depends On Chef’s Ability
  • Atmosphere: Late Night License

I’m not the biggest fan of the series myself, however I’ve spent my share of hours creating functioning neighbourhoods for my masses before destroying their lives in some form of therapeutic disaster simulator. In Sims 4, you can construct your own swanky bars and restaurants if you have the coin. Isn’t life in the Sim universe already challenging enough? Then you throw an addiction to alcohol into the mix? You can’t flaw the sense of realism in this game.

WAIT… a small amount of research has revealed to me that Sims don’t drink booze? They rely on juice to get by? It’s good to see the developers are trying their best to avoid leaving another generation reaching for the bottle but we are a lot wiser than that. You think Sims don’t drink? You couldn’t be more wrong.

Have you HEARD a Sim talk? They are chatting incoherent babble, don’t tell me it’s Simlish please – give me a four pack of Guinness and two whiskeys, I’ll be fluent in ‘Simlish’. The second you log-off for the night, the Sims get wild. The juice is packed with alcohol and they are all on it, looking for a bit of WooHoo. The morning rolls around and they’ve all pissed themselves and need help getting out of the pool. All this means their ‘juice’ is some strong stuff and I would love to visit a Sim’s bar given the chance.

NB: The same nightlife rule applies to Animal Crossing, all the villagers gather in a wooden shack and down moonshine to drown the sorrows created by Tom Nook’s capitalist agenda.

Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture

  • Drinks: Free
  • Food: Hopefully
  • Atmosphere: None

In complete contrast to the last, this entry is less about a wild night out and more about embracing the solace. Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture takes place in a lonely English country town called Little Tipworth. Lonely because all the occupants have experienced a slight holy acquisition.

Which means the pubs are empty. There are two in the town so take your pick and mosey on over to your own private-public house, the drinks are free. Assuming in this circumstance I just popped out for a smoke and missed the rapture – I would want a pint.

During the events of lockdown and coming out of it, I’ve been to a few pubs who practise social distancing and learnt to enjoy a pint on my own. It doesn’t really get more alone than this but if you’ve got a few podcasts to listen to I’m sure you’ll be fine. Forget about the fact you didn’t get accepted for a better life.

Did I mention the free drinks?

Borderlands

  • Drinks: Plenty
  • Food: B.Y.O.B – Bring Your Own Bullymong
  • Atmosphere: Bandit Banter

Pandora is a horrible yet unique world, bandits roam the streets, beast rule the land and there’s a war taking place between massive military manufacturers. Through all this chaos, in a city fittingly named ‘Sanctuary’ you will find Moxxi’s Bar. It’s a welcome alehouse that plays the music low, pathing the way for prominent voice acting to take place. I would share a beer with a number of the vault hunters, but it would be Handsome Jack you’d want to hear stories from.

Named after the voluptuous cougar that owns the joint, Moxx-tails are the drink of choice. We’ve got everything from the eloquently named ‘Penargilon Kangaroo’ to the more simple ‘Brick’s Fist’. Once consumed they grant a number of bonuses that any budding vault hunter could quickly become addicted to.

If you are wondering what these concoctions could taste like then check out the Borderlands-themed drink created by the guys at Loading Bar.

Shameless plug

Also note the bar can sometimes fly on ship so that’s takeaway pints confirmed in the Borderlands universe.

After a certain amount of time, I thought I better ask some friends to ensure that this virtual bar crawl I was assembling was approved by other functioning alcoholics…

Broken Sword

Suggested by: Andy Kelly
  • Drinks: Real Ale
  • Food: ‘No Food Today’
  • Atmosphere: Traditional Taproom

Mac Devitt’s is a pleasant pub tucked away on the cobbled coast of Lochmarne in Ireland, though the location may be fictional I can tell you it’s pretty close to most rural Irish bars. There’s one bus a day from Dublin that runs there and when you arrive there’s a warm pint of real ale waiting for you – served properly in a pint glass. None of this London nonsense where you get a cold Guinness in a chalice.

You can take out a room with a marvellous view, at night there’s a sunset that would make Kevin McCould blush. If you’re looking for food then you are in the wrong place, their menu simply lists ‘no food today’ but like most small villages by the sea in Ireland you are never too far from someone who will sell you fish. Walking there after the pints is the issue.

They don’t get much more wholesome than this, Mac Devitt’s made me think about other adventure game boozers like the biker bars in Full Throttle, The Drunken Druid from Simon the Sorcerer and the location I probably had my first underage virtual beverage in – Scumm Bar from Monkey Island. The nautical soundtrack still plays in my head till this day.

The Witcher

Suggested by: Cian Maher
  • Drinks: Pilsners and Potions
  • Food: Hearty Meat and Potato Dishes
  • Atmosphere: Wholesome

Let’s be honest, when I mentioned the word ‘tavern’ earlier this is where your mind went. This or Skyrim, Amalur, Dragon Quest – basically whichever huge mythical RPG you chose to spend your days roaming around. The reason I chose Witcher for my virtual pub crawl is simple… Gwent.

I want to sit down with my tankard of mead and enjoy a few rounds of Gwent against the locals. Scamming coins here and there in order to purchase a chicken dinner straight from the back room of the tavern. I’d wait for a witcher to show up and then hand out ludicrous fetch quests purely for the thrill of it.

There are bards, dancers and the occasional fisticuffs, entertainment is bursting out of the seams of this place. I’ve heard if you walk down the back alley there are people who can stock your gourd full of exotic potions for the right price – just don’t try to ride home after.

Last Call

We’ve reached the end of our first crawl, we’ve sunk many pints and I think it’s time for a water and bed. I’m sure there are plenty of locations you’d love to see added to the list, so shout them at me on Twitter.

A few people mentioned GTA, Mass Effect and other clubs so my next article might have to be a night out on the virtual town – clubs and greasy places to eat after your night. Until then, drink responsibly and always tip the bar staff.